You ever just stay in your head? Come up with every worst case scenario you could imagine. Then you start to believe what you’ve made up. Immediately triggering anxiousness, restlessness, fear, anger. Well if you do, Hi, I’m Jessica and I’m an over thinker.

I’m trying to recall a time my brain didn’t process information the way it does now. Life’s beat the absolute hell out of me. Can’t forget how I beat myself. I can’t think of a time I processed anything normally. I hate how it’s gotten worse within the last 2 years.

I even question my intuition and there was a time I was spot on. Maybe I still am, I just want to believe differently so badly. 8 medications a day and I still feel like this sometimes. My main goal this year is to heal. Wholly and completely.

I’m 36 years old and I take 2 mood stabilizers a day to help me survive. Honestly the combination of meditations I take have had a tremendous effect on me. Almost nothing gets me worked up anymore. I used to cry almost everyday. Now I MIGHT cry once a week. I want to note that when I say I cried everyday, this hasn’t been the way forever. Just the last few months.

Other than my overthinking occasionally life has gotten better. I feel like I’m starting over with a clean slate. I can’t wait to paint my picture however I want. I’ve never fit in the box that society tries to put us in. I tried so hard too and now I laugh. How stupid.

I’m going to write about what I want. I’m going to do things other people only talk about. Keep giving them something to talk about too. I just gotta find a way to stop the overthinking the second it starts. I know it’s a part of the healing process. Listening to a therapist tell me they’d like to see me twice a week. 🫣 Having her bring in another therapist to sit in. 😬 I asked around to some friends if they’ve had it happened. Nah. Just me but that’s just Jessica I guess.

Tell me I’m not the only one. I’ve noticed that when you have a genuine conversation with people you learn you aren’t alone. I hate thinking that someone feels like they are battling life alone. Even the feeling you’re alone. You know how many times I’ve felt like I had no one or nothing. In my normal state of mind, I have the whole world. I have the most amazing children. The absolute best sisters a girl could have. A great big family that loves me so much. How could I ever feel alone? But I have.

If anyone feels alone, send me a message. Yes I don’t have it all together but I know what it feels like to fall apart and I’ll be there for you. No judgment. Just don’t ask me to hide a body for you cause you gonna be alone on that.