Depression has a ugly face. I don’t think we talk about it enough. Its considered a taboo and a topic we keep to ourselves. People shouldn’t live in shame for a mental illness. I think that’s a part of the problem. We don’t talk about depression. Those that suffer bury the hurt and feelings deep inside. Trying to deal with it alone, you can’t. I promise. When I share my story, I think you know what MAYBE this mountain was put in front of me to show others that it can be moved.

I’m not one to solicit advice because I should be taking my own. But let me do you a favor an just go ahead and save you the lesson.

These mornings I wake up with one eye opened first, peeking to make sure and axe murderer isn’t standing over me. That’s because life has really been giving it to me lately. Honestly a couple weeks ago I would have just said “GO AHEAD DO IT”. Not too sure I wouldn’t put it a fight now but that is probably the dark humor talking. It seems like I’m a welcome sign that says TROUBLE! It’s a pattern I’ve lived in my life for some time now. Unable to get off the roller coaster. There are things that have happened to me in my childhood, teen, and adult life, that no one should ever have to endure. It’s left me with some deep seeded trauma. One I haven’t always been eager to open up about because honestly, who wants to admit that they’re the problem. I seem to be the common denominator. I am self aware, I do hold myself accountable…I never want to hurt anyone. I honestly don’t go around hurting people, if you find yourself on the receiving end of my wrath you need to ask yourself how you got there.

Here’s what I want you to know, trauma has manifested in my life. By not healing myself properly and burying this dark side of me or so I think, she shows her ugly face in times I need to hold it together the most. It’s hard to explain how I know that I am accountable for myself when I also cry myself to sleep thinking “well maybe if I’d had a normal childhood” “maybe if I would have gotten out of that abusive relationship” I am who I am today because I have been hurt dearly by those who were supposed to love and take care of me.

I have built a self destruct system within me to where when someone starts getting close to me, I’ll ruin it making them leave before it even takes off. I have done some pretty terrible things. I call that side of me “Patricia”. I am far from proud. I am good at hurting those I love the most, the worst. That’s not something I want to be good at.

Those that truly know me, KNOW exactly who I am. I won’t explain that for anyone anymore. Who ever you think I am, go ahead, believe it. Because you know what I’m not responsible for…YOU, your 2 cents, ya judgement.

My mental health recently told me “Jessica check yourself before you wreck yourself” so I did…checked right in for another grippy sock vacation. This time, completely voluntary and the best decision I made for me. I really have more issues than Vouge and even though I joke about it, it’s sad. It’s deep and it’s dark. I am this happy, sweet girl that so many people know and love. Also, I am a really sad girl that is hurting beyond anything you could wrap your head around. I have to stop myself from running anymore. In the last 6 years I’ve had my marriage of nearly a decade fall apart, lost a home TWICE to a flood then fire. Dad to an overdose, not to mention all the stress of wondering when that call was going to come and loving/having a father with addiction. To rebuilding my life, starting over and ME, MYSELF, AND I. Throwing it all away. MORE THAN ONCE! Totalling a car, wrecking another marriage, losing my mind. That’s what I welcomed 2023 with.

What you don’t know is when I want something bad enough, I won’t stop until I do it. Even if depression tries to take me out, I tell that bitch to back up. What I want so bad…I want Jessica back. I want my kids to have a healthy happy mother. I want to rebuild my life however I choose because I am completely capable of doing just that. I want to write a best selling novel and be able to help and encourage anyone else who has remotely struggled with life and wants to talk about it. Because these days people talk and boy do they like to talk, stalk, etc. I know a lot of people are scared to step out, ask for help, use social media for something good other than bragging and boosting about life. Where’s the compassion? But you know what, I want you to realize, people who talk, they have nothing else to do. Wouldn’t it be nice to be worried about what someone else was doing instead of peeling yourself out of bed every day. Some days it takes everything I have to get up. I do get up.

It it’s any consolation to those that feel alone, you’re not. I promise. It takes more strength to get up and fight through it then it would to lay down and admit defeat. I’ve come close to giving up. People who don’t understand will tell you that’s a selfish thought and although I agree I disagree. I’ve been so low that I’ve thought I brought nothing good to this world. That it’s better off without me. I’ve been so low and let the devil convince me that my children are better off without me. That I should check out before I screw their lives up. Thank you God for people who love me when I can’t love myself. They have physically pulled me out of these moments. My poor sisters have had to show up and drag me out of the bed. I’m the big sister, I’m supposed to take care of them but here they are taking care of me.

I still cry and feel defeated. I was just crying about 10 mins ago. I quickly said to myself “bitch don’t cry” I thought about the reasons I was sad. They’re pretty rough and I have every right to be. But you know what, I’ve been here before and this is a cake walk for me.

Your mind is a battle field (if you haven’t read battle field of the mind I highly recommend it). When I find myself in those sad situations, I refocus and only put the good things in my mind. I come to my journal and I write. I listen to my favorite songs. I read my Bible. I tell the negative committee to sit down and shut the hell up. Don’t be scared to tell your story, telling mine helps me release the hurt deep inside.

No matter what…DON’T EVER give up! The world needs more comeback stories. It needs more people like you to help others get through the battles. If I can make it, anyone can! 😘