Don’t judge my story by the chapter you walked in on; I want to be 100% transparent this morning. While everyone is waking up, I’m about to try to close my eyes. I’ve been up all night crying. Looking for treatment centers for depression,anxiety,BPD.

Probably could use it for alcohol as well even though I won’t say I’m an “alcoholic” because I’m not a daily drinker. But I definitely abuse it, to numb, to forget. I shouldn’t drink I actually have the allergy or Asian flush to alcohol. I turn into a completely different person. “Messica”.

Last year I watch my world be ripped from my hands. This time, I did it all by myself. If you don’t know about BPD look it up. It’s scary and I have it. 😞 in a weeks time I single handily destroyed my marriage. I mean he did strike the match but I threw the gas. I’m good at that. But that’s not who I am. At all. I’m not a terrible person that has done the things I did. But I damn sure did them.

I hate myself right now. So much. It’s scary to me the way I feel. I love my kids too much to inflict my selfishness on them. Lately I’ve felt even they’d be better off without me. It’s a sad an terrifying place.

I’ve tried treatment around here. They give me meds I’ll forget to take, put me in a room with an adult coloring book and a guy who thinks he’s Elvis. I want a definite change in my life. I never want to come to this place again.

I’ve fought this battle since I was 16 years old. I’m tired. Losing Adam truly opened my eyes to the damage I have done. TO MYSELF. He was the sweetest soul to me and I tore him apart. I ran him off before he had a chance to leave. Holding Hayes as he cried for Adam…I don’t even have the words for how it makes me feel. I miss my step daughter. I hurt so bad for her because we had the best and sweetest relationship. I love that baby.

I want y’all to know that mental health disorders are a real thing. Tearing me down won’t make you any better than me so the person who did so on Reddit, thanks. Please pray for me. Pray for my kids. Pray for my family. My poor sisters worry so much about me. I want to be healthy for everyone again. Pray I find a center that will take a payment plan and treat me. Please. What love and care CAN DO, medication can not.

My story isn’t over so check the next blog.