I saw this quote not too long ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks…The flame that burns twice as bright, burns half as long. It’s true. You can’t get it back once it’s gone. Maybe, just maybe, my nights and days have been covered by the clouds and my star can’t shine. I know I’m not done yet. There is redemption in this story I still have to tell.

Growing up in tent revivals from renting a church, to having our own. I’ve seen the way God moves in lives. I watched my dad be baptized in a horse trough. I remember him coming out of the water with his hands held in the air. There’s a photo with my little sister, same pastor but at the new church being baptized coming out of the water with both hands in the air looking just like our dad. Special moments of my life embedded into my head. My great grandmother telling me to sit my butt down during a alter call. I was just trying to run some isle too. I’ll never forget Bro Harper running across the top of the pews like he was walking on water. Or my uncle kicking open the side door as everyone fell into the spirit. This is my struggle and mine alone.

From a young age I’ve always looked up to my uncle. I’m so much like him. He’s charismatic, full of charm, witty, and he’s always good looking. Most of all, I’ve always seen the struggle within him. Now that I’m older I understand him more then I ever have. He’s a man on the run, same as me. We both know our places in this world but we are shamed by our actions and sin that we turn our backs thinking we don’t deserve the gift God has for us.

There are so many things I wish I knew how to put into words. Sometimes I can’t but I feel the calling of him. I always tell him to find someone else. Someone more worthy. Someone people will listen too. I don’t want it, I don’t want to hear it. I want to RUN! He can’t use me. What’s the point. No one will listen. That’s not my job, it’s his. I’m just a vessel. I’ve got questions, I’m mad, and unfortunately I am bitter.

I wish I was as graceful as Job during his trials. But I handled mine about like Samson getting all his hair cut off. Literally, have you seen my hair lately? I can’t hold on to the past, I have to let it go. But it has such a strong hold on me. Stemming from my childhood to adult decisions I have made. It’s my own fault.

At this time I’m looking for my factory reset. Control ALT delete won’t do. I need to erase the hard drive. I know it’s possible. You know what makes me sad, although it shouldn’t because we are all persecuted in our actions. Those that will have something negative to say. I have a friend that struggles the same, always worried about what other will say. We shouldn’t. We still have flesh, a sinful nature, and a past. From those is how we form a story.

I don’t know the next chapter but what I do know is that not only does it take losing a toxic relationship that I played a big role in. Friendships. Ones I can’t, haven’t, won’t let go of. Those who make it easier for us to sin, step away from. I am not the type to ever give up or walk away. Especially when I think I have a point to prove. But I’ve been called for something greater and I need to find it before I lose myself.

The road I’ve walked so tirelessly down isn’t the one for me. My joy comes from else where. I’ve been shown that my entire life. So as I isolate and protect my peace, myself, to find and pursue my calling…just pray I get there. I won’t turn back. It’s time to go.