It’s the third night this week that I can’t sleep. I find so many reasons to blame it on. The moon phase, anxiety, diet, the inability to get out of my own head. I’m not so anxious tonight, although my mind races with so many thoughts at once. I know I can’t be the only one. I’ll be 35 Saturday, all I can think about is how am I just starting to understand life, now. I wish I could have figured these things out 10 years ago.

I feel like these last few years have gone by faster then a jet breaking the sound barrier. Hitting so hard too with these lessons that I’ve HAD to learn. There is still so much to learn. I have this thirst inside of me that desires more than the ordinary. I want extrodionary. I don’t want to just live and be, I want to make an impact. I got tired. That’s what happens with depression. It’s so dark and I feel like it’s not spoken about enough. It’s the reason I’ve chosen the path I’m seeking now.

I’ve decided to go back to school for my psychology degree. I want my PhD.

I want to understand WHY I’ve made some of the choices I have, who I am. I want to understand others, emotions, and to help heal wounds. Internal wounds. The ones people walk around with that no one else can see, I can feel them when I look upon someones face. I want to understand, how I’m able to feel so deeply and see things within people that they don’t even know or understand themselves.

I also want to be able to love again. But if that’s not in my cards, it is okay. I just want to be able to try. It’s late, but it’s not too late. It never is.