I’ve had the same dream for as long as I can remember. I’m in a car with the pedal to the metal but no one is driving. I’m doing everything I possibly can to get into the drivers seat. When I finally make it the breaks won’t work and then the door flies open. There’s been one dream I’ve had that I finally get the car to slow down. It turns down my grandpa’s drive and I ease down the driveway like nothing ever happened. I feel like this is a metaphor for my life.

I’ve always heard that things have to fall apart, they may actually be coming together. Or there’s art the Japanese practice that’s over 400 years old. It’s called Kintsugi. They use it as this as a metaphor for healing ourselves. It teaches us an important lesson: Sometimes in the process of repairing things that have broken, we actually create something more unique, beautiful and resilient.

I’ve never thought the process of me falling apart has been beautiful at all. It’s been awful, nasty, embarrassing, and confusing. There’s been situations I’ve handled with grace and then others I’ve handle with vodka. Those vodka situations sometimes lead to a fresh pair of bangs. Thank God the 90’s are back in style because I’m hitting harder than than the 90’s trend.

Through this ongoing transformation and journey I have found myself hitting my knees screaming at God “WHY”!!!! If you love me so much tell me why! The week my kids aren’t home, I just lay in my bed. I don’t move, I’ll turn my phone off. I find myself hiding from everything. No one sees that part of me.

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. My thought process isn’t like normal people but if you’ve ever met me, you’d know I’m far from normal. I’ve decided that I can’t live in the box society puts us in. Everyone wants to find the love of their life and settle down, I don’t anymore. I found mine, he was a lying asshole that destroyed a pretty heart and he knew it. Snowballed out of control and just like a regular ole Joe would do, run from the problem, project, cast blame and now he’s the one putting bandaids on bullet holes. I miss him, and I’ll always love him but I’m not that stupid girl anymore. The days of me doubting myself are no more. That’s what got me into this mess.

I haven’t really been one to care how others perceive me. I know who I am and even if I don’t I know I’m on my way to finding her. The thing that really got me was someone I loved and knowing who I am and my heart caring more about what others thought. How my ex husband assumes and still to this day throws our divorce in my face. Or he will throw the fact that I’m single in my face. Or even better he sits back and either assumes or has people reporting to him what I’m doing. It has hurt the hell out of me! Truly! Because he will use it to insult my character. He has used me being out with friends and said that I was a terrible mother. Anyone who knows me can tell you their is nothing I wouldn’t do and haven’t done for my children.

It’s all ironic how things work out as well. As I started this blog yesterday, I didn’t have the slightest clue that this morning as I walked out my front door with my coffee mug and my son’s backpack that I would be served papers I’m being sued. My ex is suing me for primary custody of the kids. He wants me to have visitation and he is requesting I pay his attorney fees. This must be the part of my dream where I’m hitting the breaks. I guess it’s time to put the gloves back on. I think it’s time to hit some people with the cold hard truth.

Starting from the beginning would take too long, so let’s just go back to when I knew a big change would inevitably come. Not even 90 days after he remarried I get a phone call. He’s upset saying he misses me and he wants to come back “home” but what is home anymore? Later that night when he got off work he shows up at my house. He wants to work things out and I just want him to go to counseling, be independent, single, enjoy his life. Later that day he called me and said his pastor told him that it’s best to focus on his current marriage. After nearly 10 years of marriage, 12 together, 3 kids, and more history than WW2…we were swept under the rug. I just listened to this man cry to me and tell me how he didn’t love this woman, he felt sorry for her, and couldn’t live in sin anymore so he got married, now tell me he was going to work it out. Not to mention threats from his parents. He’s building his dream home and living in theirs, he was weak and hopeless. I felt so sorry for him and also disgusted. I knew that was it for me and I was okay with that.

After that the rules came and I was tired of fighting so I just played by them. Well kinda, y’all know better but I wanted peace. Tyler could no longer meet me alone for drop off/pick up. Our phone communication had to cease and we only could communicate through email. Which was fine because honestly I didn’t want to see nor talk to him. Now that a year has past and things seem better or so I thought. Some people just can’t move on. For the record this has taken a toll on me emotionally, but it’s not about me and I’ve never tried to make it.

With the kids getting older, the effects of my divorce are starting to show their ugly face. For Thanksgiving this year my first grader brought home a picture he had colored. But he didn’t color it. Instead he drew a giant X through the picture of the family eating at the table and wrote “I’m sorry daddy is mean to you”. I was floored! I keep that to myself but they’ve taken notice. My ex nor his mom can seem to say anything nice about me in front of the kids. I was late for an exchange one time, 5 minutes mind you. With the kids in the car with him he’s screaming at me calling me a whore and telling me I will not get my kids back. Then he says he is going to make me sit there for an hour and wait as a punishment. I have over four years of more behavior just like this. Oh and mine isn’t perfect either but I promise you, it’s always been me fighting for what was right. Maybe not in the right way because anger clouds judgement.

Within the last month I’d say things have really come to the point that it’s very clear the motives of the other party. My oldest daughter had a mega attitude and was caught lying. My middle daughter thinks life is based off shiny pretty things and buying love, and my little boy doesn’t even know how to throw a baseball. So I wanted to talk to him about these things. Not email, TALK. Complete refusal. My first thought was WHAT? Are you kidding me? Nope. Not at all. I signed Hayes up for baseball by myself. Even with his dad telling me it wasn’t a good idea because it was too expensive. Bought all his gear, and I even brought him to his very first practice ever. Dad refused to come because I’m there. After practice I dropped Hayes off at his dad for his time with the kids. He had his backpack, his baseball gear, and I had a bag of stuff for the girls to drop too. So I helped Hayes and even had to make him get out of the car because he cries everytime it’s time to leave me. Hayes goes into the house and I sit the bags down and through the door I am trying to tell Marren I think I got everything she wanted. While my ex stands there yelling at me to leave because I’m causing problems. I’m literally standing at the door just talking to my daughter. I just laugh and walk away.

Walking to my car I hear him outside and he says something I can’t make out so I turn around. He is recording me walking away. I still laugh and tell him to have a good night. I was just dropping Hayes at baseball and then their stuff off. All of this in front of the kids. I get in the car and I had a friend riding with me, I drive off crying. I just want him to grow up I scream, it’s been nearly 4 years. We were going to grab something to eat and by time we get to the restaurant I start getting text. It’s my middle daughter. She’s sent me a picture of her swollen face because she’s been crying her eyes out. She says “momma I want you”. So I call her and asked what was going on? She told me her daddy was being mean. I asked where my oldest daughter was and she was hiding in the closet. Mad as hell I texted my ex and his wife. I sent them the screenshot of Marren and said put this by your family photo. People aren’t who you think they are guys. At all. Then let’s go back to this past Sunday. My daughter became a little lady for the first time ever. She texts me and says that she needed me because she got her period but didn’t want to tell her dad. So I emailed him asking if I could please come pick her up, it was personal. He said no it was discussed prior. I begged and begged. He wouldn’t let me come get her. She will always remember that day, and he took that moment from both of us.

This last week my middle daughter had a talent show. My mom and I went to it. She did great! I was so proud of her for getting up there! So brave. After the show we are signing her praises. I tell her to come on mom and I will bring her to her dads. It was still his time. She hesitated and said well daddy said he would come get me. I said okay baby, you can call and ask him if it’d be easier for me and Maw Maw to drop you off. She does, and in typical fashion he told her no. She’s tired of it too and she starts to cry. She’s standing in the middle of everyone trying to hold it together as people are coming up telling her good job and tears are falling. I’ve never related more, felt more helpless, and been more determined at the same time.

I grabbed her and hid her face and just smiled and told everyone she was fine just nerves. I told her we would wait with her. We were the last people there. I had friends offering rides, wondering where my car was, and if everything was okay? It took him more than 10 mins to get there and he lives less than 5 mins from the school. He couldn’t come alone. My baby had to be the one to suffer for that. I have BEGGED for counseling and mediation. Yet this morning I am met with papers of him requesting primary custody with me getting visitation. He is also requesting I pay his attorney fees when he knows I can hardly afford my own.

So you see guys, this is life. This is just the last year of it too. This doesn’t even begin to describe half of any of this mess. It’s not about my kids. It’s about control, it’s a hidden agenda, it’s manipulation at its finest. He is bitter, he hates me because honestly he hates himself. He knows I’m not a weak target.

Even though I think him to be one of the worst human beings, it’s all based towards me. He’s just hurting. I would NEVER wanted to take our children away from him. They need him. I remain single because I want my girls to see me stand independently and not depend on a man. I don’t want to introduce my son to a man that could fill the void or role of his dad. At one point in my life and even still when I think about the old Tyler, those shoes are tough to fill. I never wanted to take that away. I wanted my life to be about them and when I have them, it truly is. There’s nothing I won’t do for those three. As I sit here wondering and praying what I’m going to do next I just know giving up is never an option. But I can’t stress this enough, stop buying the bull shit. Stop judging people off of hidden battles you know nothing about. Stop calling me “crazy Jessica” because I have every damn right and more to be crazy. Now I’m in the drivers seat and I’m going to fix these breaks!