Pretty abrupt title…right? I think so to but it is what it is and this blog is what it’s going to be about. This world is full of them. So grab your cup because I’m about to spill my tea.

We’ve all experienced them at one point in our lives or maybe we have been that to others. I know I’m guilty. I’m the first person to stand up and own my wrongs, and my crazy. Let’s start with the crazy first. Cause I got a lot of that.

There’s a fine line between passion and crazy. I walk that line like it’s an art. Teetering on it. Do I want the crazy, ABSOLUTELY NOT. If you truly knew me, you would know that I have the purest intentions when it comes to people, especially those I love. No one ever asks the hard questions, they just like to throw gas on the fire. It’s easy to label someone as crazy but do you ever step back and think “wait, why?” I’ve said it before but I’m a firm believer in the saying there are 3 sides to every story. Yours, theirs, and the truth.

We are always responsible for ourselves at the end of the day no one else but YOU control your emotions. But what happens when someone does everything they can to keep you and your emotions exactly where they want them? What if you’re someone like me who can only see the good in others. Someone who can clearly see they are doing this to you because something in them is screaming “I’m hurting you because I am hurt”. When you love that person with your entire soul and would do anything to see them step into their light and heal. Want better for them. Just want to be there to hold their hand as they found there way back to the top.

Saying this goes against everything I really believe. You can’t help someone like that…It will only destroy you. Truly. I’ve lived it for the past 2 years. I don’t ever want to give up but I have to change my outlook on the situation. I know I’ve done everything I could to show I care and I’m here. I’ve asked for nothing in return. As I sit here I have a thousand emotions flooding me. I’m angry, I’m sad. But then again I’m also happy, and looking forward to my future. I don’t want anyone to worry about me because I promise, I’ve got me. I have let my emotions get the best of me and done and said things I’m so ashamed of. I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation but here comes the tea because if my story can prevent anyone else from a relationship like this, or to find the courage to step away it is absolutely worth it.

If you’ve read my other blogs, you know the background story on the guy I’m talking about. You know that he’s been around for a long time. Nothings changed really. Except it’s gotten worse. He did some pretty horrible things a few months ago. Told me how bad it hurt and that he missed me. Told me he saw himself with me forever. All the while he had a girlfriend but he told me “it wasn’t that serious”. He just needed time. Shows up at my house one morning, promised me a future in time, deleted our text thread on the way out the door and ghosted me for weeks. I lost it! AGAIN. Told myself never ever again. Picked myself up out of the slump I allow him to put me in.

But guys, I hate to say it…I fell right back in it. Well kinda. I guess I fell for it. His relationship ended of course. We agreed to start over with a clean slate. I can not tell you how excited I was. We had started doing things with each other again. He makes me smile so big my face hurts. It’s so easy and perfect. Then here we go…I notice he’s changing his mind. I’ve done this for so long now, I know the second somethings off. I can feel when he doesn’t want me to know something. So what do I do? Dig deeper and push harder. I deserve the truth.

In the past month I was faced with a decision I never wanted to make. He had promised to come by a Sunday when he got back home from a “weekend trip with the boys” pretty sure he lied about that weekend because he broke that promise. In return, he came over that Monday. Just the week before last actually. He sat with me as I cried. He held me, he loved me like only he can. We joked sitting on the couch eating etouffee and he said “show me what it’s like to be married to you and come home to work to etouffee…” I’m just going to leave it at that but there’s more. We both agreed we had work to do. We had to let time heal what was broken but he was going to be there for me during this time I needed him. Anything I wanted. He told me he wasn’t going to be dating or involved with anyone else and I damn sure didn’t plan on it. Something in my gut told me things were off and boy was I ever right. The very second he got what he wanted from me, he was gone. I called him so upset. Nothing. I acted a complete ass to try to get him to talk to me about what had happened and I begged to know why. He’s already seeing someone else. As he left my house and told me one day I’d get my wish, he turns around and does the exact opposite of what he’s promised and has the nerve to rub it in my face like he has time and time again. Even giving me her name. Provoking me to get the reaction he knows I will succumb to. That is ENTIRELY my own fault. I have allowed this time and time again. I will not anymore. I have compromised my character and beliefs for this man and for what! Not a damn thing. I’ve put my life on hold and wallowed in heart ache and self pity. NEVER AGAIN! I am so much better than this!

I’ve allowed him to say and do things to me that had it been anyone else, not even Jesus could stop me. When I found out he had slept with a friend of mine last year, I slapped him. I shouldn’t have put my hands on him. He put a gun to my head. Recently I had gotten some bad news and I couldn’t sleep. I knew it was late and he had to work. I sent him a text apologizing in advance but that I was coming over. I show up and he immediately starts yelling. I am standing in front of this man crying trying to put my arms around him for him to please just hold me and figure this out. He pushed me, slammed me into the wall, slapped my face. Yet EVERY DAMN time he sings the tune so differently. It’s always “I’m the crazy one”. Never she’s here right now because we have a problem and it needs to be addressed. Let me step up and be the man she is so desperately begging for. But then I’ll see that moment of weakness in him and my heart breaks because he knows he’s broken mine. As he is yelling at me his voice cracks and he says “can’t you see I am the problem! You don’t need this Jess”. Does he mean it? Who knows. But I know I damn sure don’t deserve this and I’ve put up with it for entirely to long. I know you’ll judge me for staying, go ahead but make sure you could walk a single day in my shoes and do better.

I am a fighter, I realized walking away only means I give up on him, not me! I’m not so bad. I’m funny, I’m smart (other then being a dumb ass for him), I handle my business, my kids always come first, I have friends and family that love me. They’ve witnessed this hell first hand! I will wear my crazy crown, especially if it makes him feel justified. I’m strong enough to take it.

I’m going to stand up for myself and every woman or person that has allowed a toxic person to steal their joy and soul. I see it every where I go these days. Don’t bleed on others! Heal yourself! I won’t take this laying down anymore, I am going in swinging and I’m going to get every bit of myself back AND MORE. Get your shades ready because I’m about to shine!