Repetitive sounds drive me crazy. I don’t want to be touched. I don’t like hugs. I apologize over everything. I think everyone has a hidden agenda. Is that me? Absolutely not. I’ll sing the same verse of my favorite song 100 times, I love wrapping my legs around the person I love. I want someone to pull me in their arms and tell me it’s all ok. I’m tired of being the one that makes it okay.

This Friday, I’ll be 34 years old. I didn’t imagine being where I am right now. Not that I’m saying it’s bad where I am, I just feel old. I feel like society tells me I’m supposed to have it all together but I just dropped my deck of cards and the joker is turned up. Which reminds me of a story…

At a qualifying track meet one year I was up against a deaf girl. Before the race she waved at me. She let me know she was deaf and wouldn’t be able to hear the gun when it went off. She asked me to signal for her to start. So I did, and I waited for her to take off. I placed 3rd at that meet. 5 foot 1 inch but I could clear those hurdles like I was 6 foot.

That same year, I qualified for state. 12 girls. I remember my nerves before I took off. I hit that first hurdle and I rolled. So did the girl next to me but this girl got back up and hauled ass. I placed 6th. I can remember being so disappointed in myself. Now I think back and ask myself how many people even had the opportunity I did?

I think we each make our own opportunities. I believe that some of us want it more than others. You’ve got to get back up after that big fall. Those same people will look at faults within themselves, reevaluate the situation to see what could have been different. Then you have the ones that fall, roll around a bit. Those are the ones that will look to everyone but their own faults. Always having that finger ready to point. When something goes wrong in my life, the first place I’ve started looking is to myself…What did I do to cause this, what could I have done differently? Did I say the wrong things? Could I have been more gentle? Should I have reacted in a different manner? I don’t want my words or actions to be the reason someone is hurt. I want to be a source of comfort for all my friends.

I’ve ran into instances where actions don’t match words. So many lies had been told and I will always be the bad guy. I cried and cried for months on end. I’m not a bad guy nor was I in this instance. It has taken me nearly 6 months to get to the point I’m at currently. He tried so hard to make you look bad, because he knew he was. He kept you there because he could. You know the best way to clear muddy water? Leave it alone.

I was told earlier that I shouldn’t post such detail in my blog. That he doesn’t need to know how he “got in my head”. That doesn’t bother me. Let me be the Guinea pig, I can take it. I can take so much that it’s almost scary these days. It’s not just my own problems I take on, its others. Just when I feel like I’m alone, someone comes along and will ask me for help or advice and I’m helping them, I realize the entire reason I put myself out there so openly.

There’s only 10 hurdles in a hundred meter race. Best way to clear them is leading with the same leg. 15 steps. But if you’ve got to change lead legs, do it. You don’t have to be first, you’ve just got to finish. By the way, I broke my lead leg, but watch me with my left 😉