Normally I hate being bare feet but something about the way the grass between my toes, with the sunshining down on me, brings a sense of calmness I just can’t explain. So I lay back further in my chair, close my eyes, and listen to the birds. The birds start getting on my nerves a little, then here comes a train. I try and go back to my book but now the little wheels in my brain are turning. So here we are.

Growing up if my momma heard me talking about someone, she’d tear me up. She didn’t believe in that. I don’t think I’ve ever heard my momma say anything about anyone that she wouldn’t say to their face. She has always liked everyone, except for one of my dads girlfriends. She didn’t like her much. I can’t blame her because they were still married. Now on the other hand, my Nana always has some tea to spill. If you don’t have anything nice to say, go sit by her. She’s guaranteed to make you laugh and she always has the scoop.

The other day I called up my sister Brandi, I told her how I was feeling about a situation and what I thought. Brandi said “Jessica, If you’re even having to question it you already know the answer”. She’s exactly right. Yesterday I was talking to my sister Libby. Upset and telling her that one day I’ll just stop caring and trusting. She knows better and so do I. She told me she was sorry I was hurt, and that even though I’m crazy I have a great big heart. Truth is, I’m not even crazy, but the worlds shown me how to be.

I love simplicity. I crave it. I also love understanding, in noun and adjective forms. When those areas of my life are disturbed, so is my peace. I give my self so freely to others, I trust easily, I’m naive to my intuition. I want to believe the good I see. So when I am let down by others, it hurts. I know the insecurities that lead others to bad mouth, or pretend to be something they’re not. I’ve lived that life before. Something I’ve never done is pretend to care or be a friend. So having that happen to me, stings.

I want to be the woman I’d want my daughters to be. Secure in myself, independent, smart, genuine, and KIND! I saw a quote a few years ago that I still love. It says “You have to meet people where they are, and sometimes you have to leave them there”. I have to realize this for myself, especially being relentless and one that doesn’t give up. After all, where would I be if others, or more importantly God were to give up on me?

“I am longer living my life according to another’s opinion. If you hurt me expect to be forgiven and forgotten, if you show me apart of your ego; I’ll feed it soul as I walk away, if you show me what I’m lacking, I’ll teach you how to fix it within yourself. I live my life to the drum of my own melody and some won’t agree with it, but im not living to make the critics happy.” That’s a quote from a book I’m currently reading. “Once a Girl, Now a Woman” by Nikki Rowe. It’s a quick read that I would recommend, especially if you’ve got that Gypsy in your soul like me. I won’t think of it as giving up, or wasted efforts. I’ll look at the situation as growth in myself because at some point you have to realize that people can stay in your heart but not in your life. ✌🏻