Originally my second paragraph was the start of my blog, but I after I typed it my mind went blank. I had no more words. I shut my laptop and tossed and turned. My mind wouldn’t turn off. So here I am at 6:30 am with a fresh cup of coffee wearing the most ridiculous robe you’ve ever seen in your entire life. (It did make a special guest appearance at the Waffel house one night.) Don’t let me lose you after you read this cheesy part, please.

I don’t listen to regular radio often. I don’t know if people do anymore. I use iTunes, and sometimes Spotify. Just so happens the other day I had it on one of our local radio channels. I wasn’t paying much attention; I normally don’t. I just drive with the windows down and think. Something caught me… this song said, “Mamma, can I come stay a few days this weekend or next?” First off, I miss my momma but do you know how may times she’s heard me say those exact words. The words just kept hitting harder, “can your knees give out from prayin’ so hard? Can you go blind from cryin’ in the dark? Was it ever really real if he don’t feel like I feel?”

I’ve talked about my hurt, but not so much my healing. I feel like it’s because I work on me every day. I don’t want to be the “one to talk” when I don’t have any room to talk. However, I’m onto something here. So excuse me while I climb up on my soapbox.
Since COVID started, the only time I felt anxiety was when I didn’t have my kids the initial week, we were shut down. I NEEDED them with me. Once my babies were homelife couldn’t have been better. We have done so much together that the two weeks I had them flew by. So much time was spent outside, playing, doing projects, painting art, grabbing snowcones, ice cream, living room pallets, homemade breakfast, lunch, dinners. All the things I never had time for, I do now. I love it. I love the simplicity. I NEEDED this!

They went back to their dad’s on Thursday evening. I wasn’t ready for them to leave me, but I was ok until Sunday, but y’all know how that goes. Thankfully Amber and Denny came through that day and pulled me out of bed. I’ll be honest though, we drug a mattress into the living room, set the air to 67, and piled the blankets all around us, so it wasn’t like I moved very far. We made homemade lasagna. Alright, that’s a lie, Denny cooked a frozen one, but he did it with love. Amber made some bomb brownies. We laughed so much as usual. They stayed that night. When we were going to sleep, I felt that sting of loneliness hit me.

We all want love. To give it and receive it. We’ve just all been hurt. Social media and small towns have ruined dating for so many. We begin relationships already “hearing things” about that person. The tone is set, and some keep options open for something better to come along. Because honestly, we all want perfect. I have a perfect guy in my head. I often wonder if he’s real. I thought I had found him but guess what, he kept his options open because I wasn’t what he wanted. Well, I was, but he told me, “I feel like I should go get married and have a couple kids, then come back to you.” He wanted his own family, not mine—what a punch to the gut. However, let’s finish this stereotype later because I’m about to talk about the other kind of relationships people walk into.

The next type would have to be those that just want one so bad. They either can’t be alone or feel the pressure of, “Well look how happy so & so is, I want that” So they dive right in! Maybe it’s a swan dive, cannonball, or in most cases a belly buster. I can always sense those types of people, and by no means am I saying I haven’t been one. I did it the first year I was single and just like moments the other night when Denny and Amber stayed. I always come back to reality and that my friends is how this is all about to come together.

REALITY! As I’m typing that, I kinda sang it to the beat of John Mayer’s song “Gravity”, so guess what I just told Alexa to play as I pour my second cup of coffee. It couldn’t be more fitting. So this is my reality lately… I like being alone. I enjoy being able to go and do as I please. I love spending time with my friends, I’m not ready to sacrifice that. Loneliness will make you believe that you are. You have to find contentment in yourself and secure it. There are some days that I wake up and I feel like that little girl who in the mirror giving herself the pep talk. (I’ll attach the link). I have had more of those positive days lately. You know when I have the bad ones when I drink and call my ex 34 times. I recognize that flaw in me. Therefore, I told myself I wasn’t going to do it anymore. Yeah yeah yeah, I know what you’re thinking but I mean it with more determination then ever before. That’s why I’m writing about this because when I put it out there, I’m held accountable for it, not only that, it’s a release for me. I let it go.

Personally, I don’t want mediocre. I want a smile that won’t wipe off my face, and energy that you can feel, I want a vibe so intense. When I get it, I won’t let go. I don’t want to just “settle” I want an adventure and it’s been one getting to this point. I want a forever, every day. I know most people don’t believe in fairytales, but I do. They aren’t perfect either. We’ve seen the Disney movies. Normally it’s monsters, evil witches, and stepmothers keeping lovers apart. Modern day problems are what can drive a wedge between two people. You can’t force this type of love, and there’s a fine line between it and infatuation, which is an illusion. You absolutely must know and be able to recognize the difference.

I want it all, whether or not I can have that, who knows and guess what, if it doesn’t happen for me, that’s ok too cause I like me!