Howdy…

I’ve been writing lately, but nothing I felt I could share within my blog. It’s too public. My last blog gained over 400 views in a matter of a few hours. I dislike the scrutiny that my kids or myself would be under. Tonight though, I just have to let this feeling go. And it’s about to go everywhere…

It’s 11:30 pm and I’m in the bathroom at the casino. I went with one of my best friends to her high school reunion. I rocked my purple romper and broken leg like it was no bodys business. We laughed, danced, I even tried throwing my leg over one of our friends shoulders while dancing to “Pony”. That was short lived, and we were caught before any real damage was done. Guys buying us drinks, being told we are beautiful, empty promises. Some where I’ve been too many times before. It’s why my phone stayed in my hand. I was waiting for THE text.

Ever tried using the bathroom in a zip up romper and a cast up to you knee? Yeah, it aint fun. But luckily us girls have a secret gang when we are in the bathroom. Wanna hear you ex aint shit? Go to the bathroom. Wanna learn spanish, go to the bathroom… need hairspary, a tampon, lipstick, or if you should go home with so and so…go to the bathroom. I went to check my phone. There it was. THE TEXT. He was sitting on a counter eating left overs. As I looked at it, I realized that the fridge in the back ground was mine because of all the art work. I was so excited! I said you’re at my house? I’ll be there in 45 mins. I couldn’t get out of that place fast enough. You see, I didn’t want to be there to begin with. I wanted to be with him. I ended up having to crawl through the window of my own house but we will cover that another night when I discuss my expertise in that field.

Here we are today, same guy still in my life. I’d love to tell you how we are so perfect but the truth is, we are only perfect when we are together. Just the other night I rolled over to hold him, and he was already facing me. While I was sitting on the couch reading, he’s sitting in his chair playing video games and I can feel him staring at me. I love who I am when I am with him. I can’t stand who either of us are apart. I’ve just reached a point that I can’t fight with him or for him anymore. He’s painted a very ugly picture in his head, and I’ve shown him more grace than he deserves. I’m not Jesus, and I shoulda busted you upside the head a long time ago. He lies to his friends about seeing me, he lies to me about who he is seeing, he says in one breath he doesn’t want me, then in another I go about things the wrong way.

THIS! This is the part I want you to read. I have questioned my self and my worth over this man. I have believed I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t understand. I didn’t need him to do anything for me. I am well taken care of, because I take care of myself. If I can’t take care of my self, I damn sure wouldn’t ask a man. Not when I have the family and friends I do. It wasn’t until recently that I realized he was more confused than I ever would be. Nothing I could do could ever fix him nor make him see. I never want to try to prove myself to anyone. I never want to take a chance on anyone. It doesn’t mean I give up forever. I just know that at this moment in my life, no one can reach me. We all have our problems, but can we each be grown enough to realize our own faults, do things really have to be that hard? Is this a battle worth fighting? I’m way too easy and forgiving for this shit and I don’t deserve it. I should have left after the hookers…that’s my fault.