Open book. Literally me. But what you need to realize, you have to flip through the pages if you want to understand me. I’m Jessica. 33 years in the making. I’d say the last 3 years are what have really “made” me. Which brings me to what I want to talk about…perception and opinions. It’s been brought to my attention within the last year of how I’m perceived by others based off opinions. I’ve heard the stories/rumors, I’ve seen the memes, and I’ve laughed but I’ve also cried. Especially lately because some of your opinions have affected my personal life. Now let me be clear, I’m not a saint! My heart is good, my intentions are pure. I would love to see someone else have the last few years I have and kept it together. I don’t need a pity party and that’s not what I’m after. I’ve just tried to deal with the mess I’ve made the best way I can. I’ve lost it a number of times but what gives anyone the right to say some of the things you do? Are you any better then me? What skeletons do you hide in your closet? The difference is, I’m not scared of hiding. I actually have nothing to hide. Since when did it become so cool to pretend like everything was perfect all the time? If you are posting selfies and motivational quotes, you’re staving for attention. If you post pictures of you and your happy life all the time you’re pretending to be perfect and if you post that life’s a bitch, you’re crazy. So let’s start getting dirty. I did have an affair, one day I’ll be brave enough to spill those beans in every dirty detail but right now I’m still trying to make peace with my ex after nearly two years. I regret what I did to him. He was the only man crazy enough to love me, and he still does. Watched the most stable home I ever lived in flood, then burn to the ground. In between that time, my dad who had been a drug addict for most of my adult life, overdosed on heroin. I can look back on when I moved out, at that time I left for selfish reasons. I wanted freedom, I wanted to look for something better. OH BOY! What a laugh I can have now! I was out every weekend I didn’t have the kids, running and putting a bandaid on those wounds. It wasn’t until I ran out of bandaids did I realize how bad it really hurt. Noone tells you how to take the pain and if they did, I didn’t listen. I think the hurt hit me about this time last year. By then, I guess I had made a good name for myself. Forget the fact that noone can recall not hearing my name the last 12 years I was with my ex. I felt like in my last relationship I was constantly defending myself. Until then I never cared. I don’t much care now, but the fact that he did and based his opinion off of that really bothers me. I can’t sit here and be the one to defend myself. I would just love for someone to take my heart and carry it around for a day. Let me tell you about it, you could look me dead in the eye and tell me the most hateful things, of course it would hurt and I’d tell you some pretty mean things too, about 5 minutes later, I’d tell you I was sorry. Even though you started it. I have no pride when it comes to situations like that. Want to know why…life is way too entirely short and it’s not worth my peace. You see, I’ve done wrong and I want to love others with the same type of forgiveness that I would ask for. The same type of grace that we wake up to each and every morning. I don’t want to ever give up on someone I love the way I did in the past. When I started this journey of being a single mom, I was told that I would never make it. I would be nothing without him. I didn’t listen, I never do. And I damn sure don’t give up. When I want something, I work at it. I do whatever it takes. That’s how I had to feel about myself. I had to love myself enough to bring it back together. That’s how I feel about my children. There’s nothing in this entire world I wouldn’t do for those three. Everything is about them. My mom and my sisters are my biggest influences. At what point do people realize, life is hard enough, lets not add to some struggle with negative talk. I really never sit around and talk about people. I know I have enough on my own to worry about. I don’t have the time either. When I have spare time, I want to be making sure I use it to the fullest. Plus I’ve come to realize, you reap what you sew, what goes around comes around, and karma is a bitch. Sure, I’ve heard lots of things about other people and I’ve had a lot of people do some terrible things to me. I’ve trusted those I shouldn’t. I just think everyone has the same heart as me, and they don’t. Just the other night, someone I love so much told me ” you know what people say about you” “why do you put it all out there” I asked him why he even cared and he said because I’m trying to help you…well I’m trying to help someone else. Since I started sharing some of the things I’ve gone through, I’ve had other people reach out to me about it. I would have never in a thousand years thought I would be someone anyone else could look to for advice. But here I am, I can tell you everything NOT to do. I’m still learning even right now. I don’t believe it’s ever too late. Every day I wake up with a new determination. So I want some of y’all to keep doubting, keep believing those small town rumors, and keep it simple… Because what you see is the tip of the iceberg, y’all aint seen nothing yet.