One thing I have witnessed in my life is how I am BLESSED.

In ya girls not so finer days I sat in Orange County jail for 52 days. I was a on a motion to revoke probation for allegedly violating probation with offenses such as leaving the state, being behind on fees. Not reporting monthly but I report in LA monthly wasn’t aware I had to report in Tx too.

Anyways when I was arrested I KNEW NOTHING. And if you’ve ever been to jail you’ll know that asking an CO what’s going on… ha! They’re are a couple cool ones that will come on shift and help you figure it out. EVENTUALLY.

As they’re booking me I’m freaking OUT. Not this again. I once had to stay 30 days but I kinda KNEW that was what was gonna happen. This time I did not. I was sick. They immediately put me on a block. I’m considered dangerous. 🤭 but I think it’s my risk level for suicide. Which is giggle about but LORD that is not funny. It’s scary. And we can talk about that another time. (If you are struggling please reach out)

For the first like 3 days I don’t get out of bed. I lay there and I sleep mostly and I listen. I don’t eat anything. I don’t even shower. It’s disgusting and I literally have to crawl out of my cave of sick depression to get up. When I do waken from my slumber I’ve gotten to know the girls by ease dropping when I’m laying there and buddy if there’s one thing ya girl can do is read a room.

This one was wild. Loud all night. Lights out at 10 but when all you want to do is sit in peace, heinous. But I knew the cool ones off the bat. As soon as I got up a girl introduced herself and said whatever I need she had me. Immediately I knew she LIKED me and yeah that’s cool but I ain’t trying to get groomed either. But she had the good stuff so 💃 VO5 shampoo and she had conditioner. Win for me. Someone gave me a bowl. And a bigger cup. Cause hahaha you should see the itsy bisty cup they give you to drink the water on tap. Hehe. Gross.

These girls knew my situation because they had been in similar. Previous MTIG’s but for more serious offenses. first off I knew I should expect to sit there for 45 days no matter what per violating said offenses. I was assigned and attorney and literally he was a Godsend. Gave me his cell phone number said call anytime. I’m not like that at all so I only called him twice. A day. Nah jk. Literally twice. He was kind too. H

e knew my mental health wasn’t good and he encouraged me to keep my routine, read to keep my mind busy, go to Rec when they call for it (at 6 am mind you) sometimes later if you’re lucky. A lot of times not at all. He also encouraged me to go to church. And this time I had a HARD time going. I feel so much shame when I go. I break inside and I hate people seeing me cry like that. So I can’t go.

I don’t think I went a single time but then this sweet 80 year old shows up precious as can be (hold up yall) and you’re like what! How the hell is grandma in here. What did she do? But you can’t just flat out ask these questions you ease into it and one thing about jail if you’re not eat sleeping or praying your talking. Or playing spades. Cause ya can’t hear the damn tv!

Anyways granny was in some deep shit actually. And she was actually crazy as a shit house rat! But she prayed. Out loud day and night and I’d listen. I asked her to specifically pray for me and she did. She would come to me with a Bible verse every so often. I will say the times I’ve spent behind a jail cell is the closest I’ve felt to God. I’ve held hands in a circle with those women, we held hands. We prayed, we rejoiced. I think around day 21 I got a court date. I was excited. Maybe I wouldn’t have to sit there for the 45 days. Court comes and not only is the orange flattering you should see the custom jewelry they give you to walk from the jail to the courthouse. When I tell ya I like shackles and chains, just know that’s a complete lie.

I hobble on over to the courthouse and guess what the elevator from 1920 is broken and the part is being specially made for it. So the stairs in shackles it is. If your bailiff is nice he will assist you. Luckily mines super nice at least to me. He seen me so much we now talk about his vacations. And if I saw him in Walmart I’d probably say hi. Nah, I’m shy.

I sit there anxiously waiting to see what’s going to happen. I’m finally called and boy is my judge hot! And I don’t mean good looking. (Just if you ever read this, I don’t mean to say you’re ugly). He just was NOT as happy to see me as I was him. He said NOPE. Girl you going back to jail and gonna sit there and think about this one. In so many words like DENIED.

One thing about me is I’m gonna hold it together in front of you like a big girl that’s just made her momma proud. 🥹 but I lose it the second I get back to that block. By then I’ve got besties in there and they are the first ones I’m going to cry to. I’m sitting there bawling on the bed and they’re all calming me down telling me it’s going to be okay. And we pray.

I go back to my blue mat of depression and just question God. Why? Why me? What have I done that is worthy of this punishment. What have I done so wrong that I want to end my suffering. And though I don’t get a direct answer from God right then and there, the next day granny will give me a Bible verse. And it will hit the spot. And through it all I see three beautiful faces when I close my eyes and I’m breaking cycles they know nothing about so they can have the happiness they deserve. They didn’t ask for any of this and it’s my burden to carry and break.

I give it a few days and for the first time I call my attorney. I immediately start that hard lump in your throat crying and he can tell I’m upset. He told me to calm down and expect to sit for 45 days or more. Yes sir. Keep your routine he said. Do the things we talked about.

The judge did re order a PSI. That’s a pre sentencing investigation and one thing those probation officers don’t do is play. And I just so happen that the head of the department personally took my case. She immediately threw everything at me in the most villainess accusation at me. That wasn’t pleasant and I didn’t think I had a chance in the world. I just KNEW that was it. I was gonna have to get a girlfriend. No really I joke because the cheap headphones wouldn’t really hold up if ya know what I mean. (I cope with dark humor judge someone else)

I get another court date. I know when it is. 52 days in. I make my little wall calendar so I can mark off each day. I post it by my bunk with the cool toothpaste they give you which also works as glue in jail. Who knew?! I start to get excited again. I’m praying. I’m feeling optimistic. I’m reminding myself that there’s a message in this I just need to listen. The morning of court I woke up and I had Ecclesiastes 3 on my mind. I prayed on it. Granny was up praying that morning and prayed with me. She also blared the church channel every morning at 6am and didn’t give AF who she woke up. I think she’s a savage for that. Well like every morning she had it on the preacher on that channel said those most famous words “To everything there’s a season” and I KNEW it was gonna be okay. But BOY LET me tell you what GOD DID.

First off he gave me anxiety. I was up and ready for 8 am court but it was 9. I’m sweating. I’m trying to figure out what’s going on. I’m crying. My mommas crying. We know nothing. Then my mommas not answering and I’m freaking out man. Finally she answered and she got tongue tied. She couldn’t spit it out and I’m hanging by a thread finally she managed to say you’re coming home. I was like wait what how? I ain’t really going to prison. Like for real for real. She said I’ll explain later I’m coming to get you. YAY! So I call my attorney. He ANSWERED and told me the judge said get her out. She served her time and come at me with something serious not this. (Not that crimes are serious they’re nothing to joke about trust me. And my wallet and bailbondmans NOT)

After 52 days I was completely free to go. I could NOT wait to live my life again. I had made promises to myself. Church every Sunday, every second I had free was first and foremost dedicated to my kids and to this day I ask to see them just about daily. Whatever I can do. I try. I even bribe them. Hehe. Teenagers. I was religiously going to do my skin care routine. I was even gonna shave my legs daily.

I’m happy to say I did all of that. Well I was I’m recently found myself back in the rut of depression since even before my breakup. Which I believe the decline in my mental health seriously impacted my relationship. He can tell his side and I’ll keep mine though.

But I’ve been here before.

Not this exact pain. Not this exact season. But I’ve stood in places that felt hopeless. I’ve cried on a jail bunk. I’ve questioned God. I’ve wondered if I’d ever see the other side of something.

And every single time, He met me there.

So while I can’t put my heart back together tonight, I’m trusting that God can.

I’ve seen too much favor in my life to believe this is the end of the story.

The plot may be confusing right now, but I already know the Author.

And when it comes to ya girl, God has made one thing abundantly clear:

I am HIGHLY favored. 🧑🏻‍🩰