Sitting at the bar just dipping my Chick-fil-A fries into ranch reminiscing about life. Typical 36 year old ADHD woman just in her own world. Thinking about the fries, moving clothes from the washer to the dryer, how my engine will blow up on my car if I don’t change the oil soon. Where the hell am I going to move the elves. Should I start a go fund me to buy Hayes the $3000 gaming chair he’s asking for. Ya know, mom things. Maybe it’s mania setting in but I think of all of these things and SO MANY more big things with a smile on my face.

Let me tell you why, this year was the hardest year I’ve ever faced in my life. I do not know where to begin but shit let’s start with I WENT TO JAIL. 36 years old no criminal history. I lost my job. My car was repossessed. I lost my home. I was denied access to my children for MONTHS. I lost friends (good riddance), I lost loved ones. I lost my hope. I spent 3 days in the Medical Center of SETX on a Psych hold. Never once was I going to harm myself BUT THE THOUGHTS. The reason I am here today are those 3 beautiful babies. I just kept thinking to myself all the memories I would miss with them. No one ever takes a mothers place. No one.

I’m putting some of my story of this year out so that I may help someone. Please do not use this negativity against me or in a way to hurt my children, my step-daughter, my husband. Other then being kept from me, they know nothing. Well a few things but I am not ready to share everything with them. I would never worry them. So please keep that in mind. I’m from a small town with some pretty mean people that will take showing weakness as an opportunity for advantage. Come here with that and I’ll show you what the girls in L-Block showed me. (They didn’t really need to show me anything, I’m from Starks) 😉

I will refrain from speaking about the reasons of why I went to jail until I know what is clear that I can cover and say. There are some of you who have been by my side from the beginning and know. If you ask I will openly tell you as well. I am unfortunately limited on my freedom of ummm speech. I am aware of why I agreed to certain rules and didn’t follow them was the reason for incarceration. I was specifically put there TO LEARN A LESSON.

The night before court I knew I was a goner. He had told me he didn’t want to see me in that court room again. Oh but if you know me, no disrespet intended, you gone see me again. I’ve got a mouth. I don’t fit in a box. I don’t live my life the way others see fit. Just as my husband says “I let Jessica be, Jessica” Well, so do I and this bitch has gotten me into some sketchy situations! Since I was little my momma told me I would argue with a goat, a wall, or myself. Took me down to the preacher and had me prayed for because I was a holy terror. Come to find out it was really just a red dye allergy and I was an 80’s baby. Bet that would have helped Emily Rose’s parents some. No exorcism necessary just diet changes. But I also don’t do that either so here I am the night before court poring me the finest shutter home has to offer. Which also doesn’t go well together. OH and how could I forget, a gummy. (Yes my PO knows.)

That day in court I was a frazzled mess. No lawyer at the time. Beyond frustrated because I JUST WANT TO BE HEARD. I’m not trying to fight this man, I AM TRYING TO FIGHT for my kids. That was the point the judge was trying to make ME see and guess what, it aint my job to make HIM SEE. He just needs me to shut up and LISTEN. Next thing I know “bond set at 250,000” and I’m hand cuffed and walked next door.

The bailiff and I are on a first name basis at this point. I had asked him if he wouldn’t mind snapping a picture of me in my cuffs real fast because I needed to start an only fans for bail money. He wouldn’t but he did allow me to. I asked him if he wouldn’t mind shackling me. He declined but did offer to carry my purse. So here we are walking into OCJ, him with my Louis Vuitton in hand, me prissing acting real tough and cracking jokes. Later I would find out that the joke was on me. I had phone numbers written on the inside of my leg of friends to call if something happened. I will add a pinterest hack one day of everything I learned. The guards offered me food, I passed. The booking process TAKES FOREVER. The same guard that checks you in has to stop and make rounds of the entire jail. So you just get to set there in these little tan chairs and see all of Orange County in her glory. I still giggle about this, the gaurd said “Crawford you ready to dress out?” “oh no sir, I’m going home” It was never sinking in at that time that a $250,000 bond meant TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Next thing I know I’m wearing a 3x Orange top, XL Orange bottoms with INMATE and J$ on the leg. (That was the name I gave myself in the pen.) Getting my hair braided with a fresh pair of white socks, slides, and my damn pants cuffed like a cholo learning what the hell a pilo is. I can even make a sleep mask with just 3 things; a pad, a sock, and a comb. (preferably all unused) I stood out like a sore thumb! But I will tell you one day thing, those were some of the nicest, most genuine women I met and I will never forget them. The didn’t know me from EVE and they would pray for me. Bring me bible verses. We would stay up and talk about our faith, our lives, how we would better ourselves, our dreams. I’m getting tears in my eyes now thinking about those women. I’ll elaborate more but nows not the time to cry, let me tell you about my first jailhouse fight.

Really it happened and all I knew was if she swung on me I’d just start hitting and not stop. Thank GOD it didn’t come to that cause she was already in for aggravated assult with a DAMN DEADLY WEAPON! I just wanted my pillow that another girl trades me for a fudge round and some coffee. It was made with mesh panties (god I hope they were clean) and the stuffing from inside our mats. She told me that I wasn’t a woman because all I did was call my momma and cry every day for her to come get me. UH YEAH BITCH I want my momma! The guards ended up moving her and she then transfered to state prison. Even though she wanted to kill me, I still pray for her. She had a new born baby she left for her grandma to raise. She would just lay in her bed and cry those silent uncontrollable tears that fall. Her baby would be 4 years old before she got to hold her again. That’s if she made parole.

The first few nights I was on the concret floor with just my mat and a blanket I’m sure was made from recycled garbage bags. I cried. I was mad. I was so mad. Then I was sad. I was ashamed. Everyone would have known by now. How could I ever show my face again. I would tell myself “IF THEY ONLY KNEW THE STORY” Your jaw would literally drop. I was depressed, I would sleep, not eat for the first week or so. One day, they came in and asked us if we wanted to go to church. It was like your mom making you hug your sister after a fight kind of feeling. Reluctantly, I went. That was one of the most moving moments in my life. The presences of God was felt so much goosebumps covered my body and even so as I recall that time.

When I got back to my cell I felt like I just left a Pentacostal tent revival. I finally got the message Lord. JESSICA IS NOT IN CONTROL.

this is to be continued, I wanted to write and publish this morning before the kids got up and it’s time to make breakfast. I ask you as I share my life you remember how delicate it is. In a year look what can happen. Be kind. I will finish up with another part later, I especially can’t wait to write about Adam, I’ll be a blubbering fool.

FUN fact I had the second highest bond in Orange County during my 30 day visit.