May 5, 2022. The last couple days had been rough but I’m used to it. Wondering if there is any silver lining in site as I am backing out my driver way one of my brake pads breaks smooth off my car. Scared the hell out of us. I honestly didn’t know what happened at the time. Just parked it and figured out a way to get Nora to school and myself to work. I have a full schedule seeing patients and in between I am trying to figure out what is going on with my car. I called a friend of mine and he said he would stop by and take a look at it for me while I was at work. That day I worked my usual 12, head home exhausted. Some how when I went to see about replacing my brake pads on my car, they put them back on the wrong way? Anyways, the pad had completely broken off the car. It was going to cost me $1200 for replacements. It’ll all work out I tell myself.

May 6, 2022. That morning the same friend that helped me with my car, gave me a ride to work that morning. He dropped me off and said “I hope today is a better day.” It was sweet, he meant well. He has witnessed the hell story happening in my life. I’m walking in work when a good girlfriend of mine text me. She says you need to call me NOW. I step into a patient room to call her. “Jessica you have a felony warrant for your arrest.” WHAT!? WAIT WHAT? You sure they don’t mean the news anchor Jessica Crawford? What am I supposed to do. She gave me the number to a local bailbondsman. Just so happen I know the guy and he knows me too. He was nice enough to walk me through the steps of what needed to happen. Set up a self surrender for tenatively Saturday morning. I still had work, I’m a single mother that doesn’t get child support, has zero outside help other then so family and close friends. I went about my work day with a smile on my face while dying inside. All I knew was I violated a protective order. Briefly my mind was like what damn protective order but then I remember. So let’s back track for a second

In January of 2022, I was headed home one evening on the phone with Hayes. His little voice on the end of the phone asking me to come stay. Me headed home to an empty house wishing it was that simple. I said you know what Bubba, I’m actaully about to pass your road, why don’t you meet me at the end of the driveway for a quick hug before I go home. He ran as fast as he could! He hugged me so hard, kissed me so big and was the happiest little boy. I felt a little better too, well until the phone calls started. I was accused of disturbing the peace of my children. The cops were called on me. I can’t just “show up” like that. It had been a long as day. Hell it’s been a LONG ASS 5 years. Now here is were I turn into a pyscho. I told them they all needed their asses kicked, many other things, as well as threatening to bash some brains in. Here I am writing this trying to downplay it. I can’t. Uncalled for, completely unecessary on my part. I was past the begging stage, I’m at the are you effin kidding me point. The way I grew up, every know and then a good old fashion ass whipping would do you some good. Atleast that was what I had in mind. Real attractive Jessica.

After that night, it wasn’t long until I got served with a request for a protective order. Court was going to be via zoom. I wasn’t even planning on fighting it. I didn’t as a matter of fact. The order clear as day says Jessica Crawford agrees to the PO and exited the zoom call before the hearing. That’s how over this shit I am.

Back to May 6, 2022, I want to reflect for a moment on how I went on about my day I never miss a beat, my whole world is crashing daily and here I am, smiling and bouncing around, managing patients treatment plans, charting, meds, wounds, etc rarely ever mistakes. In my line of work, one mistake could cost you someones life. It wasn’t like I ignored my problems, I just throw myself into work or something else and try not to thing about it. When I lay down to sleep at night is when it hits. Then I don’t sleep. Never slowing down to take care of yourself is detrimental. I’ve never struggled with drug abuse, through everything I have always known from watching my dad’s battle that was one I would never pick a fight with. I have abused alcohol more than I’d like to admit. Drink to not feel a damn thing. You ALWAYS end up feeling it. It comes back worse than you can imagine. This is just a small reflection on mental health that I wanted to touch on for now. I despertly want to get into it more in depth when I don’t feel like there is so much to cover.

After work I needed to pick up my car from Modica Bros. I would have never thought every police officer in Orange Texas was looking for me. The same friend that called me to inform me about the warrant was the one to come and pick me up from work that evening. We drove by my house to grab me some clothes, I couldn’t be alone and I was going to stay with her. Rest my mind and just have time to wrap my mind around what was happening, then find a way to make bail and turn myself in. I COULD NOT afford to miss work. I was falling behind in every way possible. My friend comes in the house and says Jessica the cops are driving by your house. No freaking way! Now I was scared to go get my car. All I wanted was to take a hot bath and THINK. We get in her car and leave my house.

As we are pulling across the highway they started flashing their lights. Only place to pull into was the donut palace. What a cliche’. Oh but guess what I do, scared out of my damn mind, I lie. No sir my name is NOT Jessica. I don’t even know her. I wish. By this time 7 officers are on scence. TMZ reporting live. People driving by recording me taking pictures, calling everyone and their mother to tell them the lastest on the train wreck, Jessica Crawford. The cop told me to step out of the car and put my hands behind my back. As I am doing so he yanked me a little, mumbles something real smart ass about how I’m “why am I not going to my sons baseball game right now” I didn’t say a word. I thought well no you fool it’s tomorrow but I didn’t say shit. Then he told me to “be still” This 6 foot man just pulled me in a yanking motion and I am gaining my balance. Okay sir, maybe don’t yank me, I’m not running ya got me. After he puts me in the back of the car. I can hear him lecturing my friend on how she should choose better friends to be around. Man doesn’t know me from Adam. (sweet Adam) I still kept my mouth shut. I made damn sure I didn’t cry either. I’m booked into OCJ May 6, 2022 for violating a protective order. Texting. The text message was from April 2, a single picture of Hayes (which I’ve made my post image) with a caption that read, Thanks for checking on him. I was being a smart ass. Me and my big ass smart mouth.

Want to hear what people are really like, let me tell you. Your own friends will look you in the face and LIE to you. Or so you called them friends. You later find out they were the ones reporting your location to the police. I wasn’t necessarily seeing someone when this happened but that doesn’t stop a small town from calling up the last known person you were seeing, accuse them of harboring a fugitive. Threaten them with jail time. I’d always been worried being single if something happened to me no one would know. Hell no, I discovered I had people watching me closer than the FBI. I told myself in that time of anger, take this and find something good in it. DO NOT ACT. My first go to is always make a joke about my situation. Ready for it, after 5 years of being single and no one wanting me, well I’ll be damned if the OC didn’t!

A friend I had known for a short time really pulled through for me. She posted my bail and worked out a payment plan for me to pay her back and has been patient enough to allow me to get on my feet even after taking one hit after another. I was there for maybe 12 hours. I stayed in the holding cell. Once I got in there the water works started. I wanted my momma. So bad but we werent speaking at the time. I wasn’t speaking to any of my family. First time in my entire life and will damn sure be the last.

That morning they came grabbed me, had me sign some papers and start leadihng me through a series of doors. She told me bond had been posted and I was leaving. She walks me to the front entraces doors and I look at her and asked “What do I do?” No one was there to get me. She said start walking. So I did. Walking down Border Street 7 am Saturday morning in my scrubs from the night before. Never got that hot bath or time to relax. But guess what, here comes the rain, LITERALLY. I’m just a walking and actually laughing. I had given my friend my phone so I couldn’t call anyone. All of a sudden on 2 wheels in a Black Surburban, a little piece of heaven showed up. JANA! She said What the hell are you doing? Bitch I’m free, what you mean what am I doing. I hope in the car and she said kids dohn’t touch Ms. Jessica. We die laughing. She tosses me a sausage biscuit and I didn’t even chew. She had forgotten water, didn’t matter there were 10 water bottles in the floor board. I had spent the night in jail. Why would I want to choke to death now.

We were going to go by Modica Bros and get my car. Well it’s gone. I said maybe friends picked it up. Luckily they did. We found it in her apartment complex parking lot. Only problem is, I don’t know which one is hers. Shes not answering. Has no idea I am even out. I take a wild guess and knock on a door. No answer so I twist the knob, its open. Cool let’s get a B&E I’m thinking. I notice my purse immediatly so I waved to Jana I’m good but hold tight. Get my stuff, tell my friend I’ll see her later. We run to Jana’s house for a second. She fixes me coffee, we laugh about my jailhouse story. I told her I just wanted to go home, take a shower, and lay down.

I did, but I also needed to let go everything I was holding in and hiding. I didn’t move from my bed the next few days. It was Mother’s day weekend by this time. I was all alone. Denied access to my kids. Jana brought me a gift, her husband made her breakfast so she made me plate and brought it to me. Showed up in her true fashion banging on my bedroom windown telling me to get up. I know she meant well but I couldn’t. That Tuesday I had became so severly depressed I was sick. I would cry in hysterics that would make me start throwing up. I hadn’t ate in days. I didn’t care if I woke up or not. My best friend NEVER left me. (it was no longer Jana with me, another dear friend) I have seen this woman cry maybe 4 times in our friendship but she can see my hurt and its hurting her. She begged me to let her take me to get help. I was reluctant. If I dare seek help, thats more ammo to have my kids taken. It was already thrown in my face that when I was 16, I had attempted previously in one of the many custody battles we’ve had.

I finally agreed I would go see my PCP. I literally Thank God for this sweet, kind-hearted Dr. I know he sees my name on his schedule and thinks “OH SHIT” Everytime he just talks me through it, tells me to keep my head up. Funny things he was my dr in jail. He said well didn’t think I’d run into you here. Same Dr can ya get me outta here? That day he asked if I had any thoughts of self harm, I put my head down and cried. I lied. But what I didn’t know was while my heads hung low shaking no, my friend is looking him dead in the face nodding yes. He suggested added another mood stabilizer. I was reluctant to do so, I was already on Lexapro and it wasn’t enough. I just thought “GOD I REALLY AM CRAZY” He also gave me something to take the edge off. They made a game plan to make sure I was with someone at all times. Leaving I felt a little better, not by much but I knew it was in the right direction.

That night we made plans to spend the night with our mutual friend Felicia’s house. We were going to order pizza and have a slumber party while they both did there best to be there for me. There’s something about Fe’s house that feels so much like “home”. She also lets me snuggle up to her and something about the way she feels and smells reminds me of my momma, weird but me and her get it. I took my klonopin, the edge off meds and it was night night time. I told myself tomorrow I’d be better. All of a sudden theres a knock on the front door. Fe looks out the window. It’s the mother blanking police. 2 Police SUV’s sitting in her driveway. Her kids home, us all in bed, and guess who they are looking for. TA DA, me.

Only one other person knew where I was that night. What the hell was going on. The officer asks me to step outside, I stumbled with the meds on board. He told me he needed to take me to the Medical Center for a mental health evaluation. UM no sir you don’t, I’m fine, went to the Dr today. Unfortunately, it was judges orders. He couldn’t tell me anymore. I get in the back of the car and as he calls it in, I see the paper. It takes 3 family members to go before a judge and request a psychiatric hold. That night once again I’m just trying to laugh to keep from crying. I COULD not believe my own family would go behind my back. (Before you grab your pitch forks, listen). I was rocking my victim mentality then. I got to the hospital, put on my grippy socks, nice little hunter green gown without strings and crawled into the intake bed. They’d watch me for a few hours then the 72 hour hold would start. I’ve been here once before.

With my clear mind currently, I will explain exactly why my family did what they did. It was not to hurt me. I was out of control. I cut them off pissed off they were just sitting back watching me go through all of this for all these years. Never stepping in, taking up for me. But mind you, my family would GO TO WAR FOR ME. It’s okay for them to say it but if you do, you’ll catch those hands. They know I’m far from perfect. My baby sister stays up at night worrying about me. Anytime I post a blog she is so worried about me receiving backlash. Worried people will be ugly and talk about me. Crying as I write thing now…find someone to love you like that. They all do. My mom has held my limp body once before and carried me into an emergeny room at 15 years old. I tried to unalive myself then. She wouldn’t go through that again.

The next morning they moved me to the unit. I wasn’t really scared or nervous. I agreed to change my involuntary statue to voluntary. I knew I needed help, but also, maybe it’d look better and I could hurry and get out because I couldn’t afford to get the help I needed. I spent the next 3 days mostly sleeping. Made a couple friends. Colored a hell of alot. I was umipressed with the amount of counseling sessions available. The 3 days I was there we had one. The therapist facetime called you and you sit in the office with a few other people listening. Not personable, inviting, and we aint about to get into my life story right now. Y’all aint locking me up. This guy out here thinks he’s elvis and I got to go. Speaking of people I met, there was this woman, Shelia. Pretty sure she was a little fried from a long use of drugs. Shelia liked to go to everyones rooms but her own. It’s 5 am one morning and I here someone in my bathroom brushing their teeth. Everyone has their own rooms. I hollered, Shelia, that you? She said “SHIT damn it, not again” I laughed and told her to keep the toothbrush.

I was released after my 72 hours were up. Just in time to make it to work Monday morning like nothing happened. Before I left though Shelia had to come say good bye. Ask me for a ride, they weren’t letting her out but she was going to sneak out. The charge nurse knew me personally, she used to come to the clinic I worked out, she worked under my aunt, we were cool. She handed me my phone and said just hide it. Shelia can’t find her room but she knows a phone when she sees one. She needs to make a phone call. Reluctantly I handed it to her. I was bored waiting anyway, this could be good. Poor Shelia never really got to talk to anyone because 4465 isn’t a phone number honey. But she tried. I got the go ahead to leave. I honestly don’t know what I did, where I even went. Maybe home, alone once again.

I’m going to stop this blog on this. It’s not any where near finished. There’s an upcoming spiral some more. When you hit that hard, you think I might as well finish strong. I thought I was a goner, there was absolutely no way I was coming back from this. Little did I know, I was about to get that little mental health, rehab check in. If I wasn’t going to slow down and make time for me, God said hold up girl, I’ll get your attention.

I want to add, this is MY STORY. Not for the small town that thrives off other peoples lives. In no way do I want you to form any opinion against someone who I think might have wronged me. As a matter fact let me add a disclaimer for anyone who might get their feelings hurt, or try to use this information to hurt me.This is a fictional story. All characters and events are made up. See, fixed that. 😉