Easier said than done. Relax, sure thing. Stop overthinking…I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. Let it go, I’ll only think about it for a few days straight. Who cares. I do. This is anxiety.

Never in my nearly 36 years was it like it is today. It is the absolute worst feeling in the world. My entire body breaks out in these hives that hurt and burn. My soul breaks. Sometimes I cry. Other times I can’t. I just try to breath. For those that are close to me there are signs when it’s being triggered. I make a weird noise. It’s me holding my breath. I don’t realize I’m doing it, I just do.

It keeps me up all night long. Sometimes it’s for no reason at all. Literally I’ll wake up and just start having an attack. My past haunts me. I care so much about those I love and the current status of life.

I can not complain because I am a very fortunate and blessed person. I train my mind but unfortunately it wanders. Tonight I can’t breath because I have court Monday. I do not want to go. I’m sick of it. But it’s for my kids so I have to.

I’ll be honest, my kids are the only reason I am still here. I don’t mean to be so gruesome but I hate the world we live in. It’s horrible. Especially when you’re someone like me. 5 years ago I left my ex husband. But it was the biggest shit show of my life. Since then everything about my life has been under scrutiny. Even the made up shit. Here’s my version, when they can’t get to you any more, they go after what they know you care about.

The only thing he could do to me was try and take my children, so he did. He knows every button to press and I have no self control. I’ll play into it every time. I’ll cuss, cry, fight. Whatever my emotions lead me to do. Some how that makes me a bad guy. But when I. Reality can’t he just leave me the fuck alone? I mean it’s not bad enough he’s getting teeth knocked out by her ex, he needs to mess with me as well? I guess not.

What you see isn’t always what you get with some people. If they weren’t driven by drama, they’d have nothing to hang onto. Don’t worry, I have proof of this in the form of tears of regret, texts that I’m sorry, and phone confessions how they wish things were different. I’m tired and I can no longer do this. Once again leave me the fuck alone.

You know what I want. I want to switch the kids week to week. Honestly he can’t even do that. Since I left he’s not been alone once with our kids. I want him to help. To pay the original amount of child support we agreed on. I even said fuck it. Don’t pay but let me be. He won’t. He told me Nora was never welcomed at his house again. He doesn’t call, text, and even when he saw her he didn’t speak a word to her. Guys this isn’t even a portion of it. I get blamed always. I only fight for my children. I didn’t marry this man, and if he’s a friend of yours you know him better to behave this way.

I want you to think of anyone else I’d have a problem with. There’s no one. I’m a peaceful person. I’m a happy person. I haven’t been able to get ahold of my other kids since I saw them Tuesday. I had Nora call his phone. He made Hayes answer but then sent me a long text message about calling him. His mother told Nora that I was a bad mom and needed to get my life together. That bitch got kicked out of a football game for being drunk and made her first daughter get an abortion.

I wrote this at a sad time in my life. I am back to say I’m in a better place. But the things I’ve been through, it’s my story and it’s the truth.