Do y’all know when the best time to prune roses are? It’s usually around Valentine’s Day. I know this for 2 reasons, 1. I was in FFA. (My teacher actually took plants way too serious so I decided to try my luck at livestock judging. I was surprisingly good at it and boy I just loved cowboys. Back then at least). 2. I’ve pruned too many times to count. You ever pruned a rose bush? I’d suggest gloves, a long sleeve shirt, and blue jeans. Layer up, it’s rough, kinda like dating me. (Ok I’ll stop with the jokes). Pruning isn’t fun, but the end result when those beautiful flowers finally bloom. You just know it’s coming!

2017 was a major pruning year. My marriage, my house flooding, and my dad passing. 2018 had some pruning too. While I’m talking plants, pretty sure I got ahold of some bad fertilizer that year. Ha! But boy was it fun for a little while. When I moved out, I had a whole new level of confidence that I hadn’t had in a long time. After being a wife and mother for 10 years and recently going through life changing situations, I wanted to completely change my life. I didn’t know at the time, if I was coming or going. But let’s talk about that summer because boy was it fun.

There was a guy I was into this specific summer. I knew he wasn’t the one for me, but no matter where I was, I seemed to run into him. Leaving a concert in the Woodlands with literally hundreds of people around, I hear someone yelling “Jessica Crawford” I turn around and there he is. He needs a name though, let’s call him “RT” that’s stands for roof top because that’s exactly what we did after we left that concert. We went dancing on the rooftop. We had so much fun and he can move too! We shut the place down and when it was time to go neither of us could get our Uber app to work. Then in our drunken state we decided to try our hand at bikes…also a fail. We ended up walking probably 2 miles back to my hotel that night. We held hands, we talked and like a gentleman he went back to his hotel room. I didn’t exactly want him to but RT had an accident at the deer lease that put him down for a little while. I’m actually laughing so hard thinking about this right now. Don’t worry, I ran into him several more times after. I still consider him a friend to this day as well.

The next day as we are headed home my friend Haley is celebrating her birthday. She texts me and says come on, we are going around town putting wieners in peoples pockets. HELL YAS! We start at the Brewery and end up at the Wheelhouse. At the Wheelhouse Haley decided to play matchmaker and introduce me to her cousin, ironically he’s the one I’m in love with today. He’s also the one who’s window I crawled through at 2 am wearing a house robe with a broken foot. (You see why I’ve been avoiding church? Hood rat Jessica) I remember when I met him, something just said “you’re not ready”. I watched him a little that evening. He had his friends daughter out by the water playing with her. He picked her up and went after her belly and that’s when my ovaries were screaming “give this man a baby”. I knew I liked him then but I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was in fun mode, and my divorce was still ongoing. Now fast forward nearly a year to the day later, I’ve spent the last 6 months in therapy trying to battle my co-dependency, childhood trauma, adult trauma and a mess I created. I felt better and I was ready. But time isn’t on our side, this time around he’s not ready, or at least for me. I’m a whole lot of woman and it’s going to take a special man to rope this hot mess. I also know I’m worth it. The weak won’t make it in pruning season.

So back to the weenies… some how I get caught. Imagine that. I can’t ever get away with anything. I always tell on myself too. The manager asks me politely not to do it again. But we just had one left. As I’m coming back from the restroom, one of the owners stopped me. He said “hey are you the weenie girl?” “Well yes sir I sure am!” “That’s some funny shit but I don’t want people complaining, so no more weenies” “yes sir, my momma said the same thing” We both start laughing and I head back to my table. That was a weekend for the books.

The concert was Friday, the adventures continued Saturday, but here we are on Sunday. If you’re close to me at all, you will know that Sunday’s have been the hardest day of the week for me since my divorce. Sunday mornings you’re supposed to wake up and the sun shining as you sleepily walk to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee and you tell Alexa to play 80’s country. That’s when Sunday in the South by Shenandoah comes on. Start your pancakes and I’ve finally mastered making them like my momma. We’ve got eggs, biscuits, white gravy, and bacon. The kids are playing and the house is a mess. I love it. I should be getting ready for church, and I always say I’m going but truthfully, I can’t bring myself to go.

You see, my perfect Sunday I’ve created only exists when I have my kids. The Sunday’s I don’t, I run away to my sisters. I call up my window guy, I find my friends because there’s no way I can handle being alone on this day. The reason being is because when Tyler would come in from being off shore, he would do the exact same thing I do now. He’d come make me breakfast in bed and I’d yell at him to just let me sleep. When I’d get up the music would be too loud, I’d complain because the house was a wreck, and the bacon smell was “stinking up the whole house”. I was so mean. He was only trying. Spend a few lonely Sunday’s by yourself. You’ll finally realize the important things in your life, the little things that matter the most, and how not to take someone for granted.

Bitterness, jealousy, hurt, and anger. I wouldn’t so much say jealously but honestly, a part of me has been. Why does his life get to be “perfect” and mines not. This next part is messy, so grab your boots. I honestly don’t like this part, but something tells me it’s time to let it out and let it go. You’ll also understand a little more of why I run from God. It’s 3 am and my phone rings, it’s Tyler. He says “that’s it, I can’t spend another day without you, I love you and I want to come home”. What is home anymore? That was March of 2019. Without hesitation I say yes. After trying our hand over 100 times, I just know it’s time to let go. The pain and suffering I’m going through are shaping me into someone different. I may run from a lot of things but I hit that head on. You see, he’s a big reason that I avoid church too. Tyler hardly ever misses a Sunday. I see him walk the walk, but not talk the talk. (I want to add that this is based off the way he treats me) If that’s being a Christian I want no part of it. Or at least in my bitterness, I didn’t. I was focused on the hurt that was being caused. I’d like to sit here and blame it all on him but guess what, we wouldn’t be in this boat had I not stepped out of our marriage. It was NEVER perfect, and anymore I wish it would have ended differently. It’s been nasty and we’ve both said hateful words we can’t take back. We have done things to each other that would even make Jerry Springer shocked. I’m still not ready to go into every single detail of our betrayal. I know that he still fights his battles the same as I do. I want him to be happy. After all, he is the father of my children and if he is happy, so are they.

I’m in 5th grade, I don’t remember if we had a babysitter this night or not. I’m sure I stayed up too later recording the top 5 at 9 on 94.1’s station. We used to call and spend hours on the phone with the Dj’s. Back then we thought we were so cool but really what kinda creep sits on the phone for hours with 12/13 year old girls. Drinking our surge, making up dances to the spice girls, and starting secret clubs. I had my own room and my sisters shared. I’m glad they shared with each other because anytime a fight went down with my parents, I was the one who was woken up. That night my mom came in my room and said “Jay, I need your help”. Her purse was on the roof. Dad apparently threw it there. If mom acted anything like me when drinking, she probably deserved it. My dad didn’t drink a lot back then. We never kept alcohol in the house, nor did I ever see my dad with a beer. It was a rare occasion for them to go out, but when they did, all hell broke loose. Anyways, guess who got to climb on the roof that night to fetch my moms purse. Me! Some how when I’m up there, another argument breaks out and it really hits the fan. My dad is trying to leave and my mom wasn’t having it. He’s taking off down the drive way and mom is trailing behind him with a shotgun. (It’s ok to laugh at it guys. She normally never misses but she didn’t even hit the tire that night). Dad made his get away, only to come home the next day.

I always knew my parents behavior, and anything I was around growing up, wasn’t the way to be. I swore to myself I’d never end up like them. My mom cried and begged me to break the cycle. She watched her parents do the same thing to each other. Not blaming or putting my mom down in anyway. That woman has been through hell and back a few times. I’m happy to say, she’s finally found her happiness and she’s married to one of the greatest men in the world. But if God loves me so much, why has my life always been a struggle? That was around the time Dad injured his back on a pipeline job. Same year we had that super freeze and icicles hung all over the outside of our house. My mom came to me that Christmas and told me she didn’t want me to be upset but I would only have a couple Christmas presents to open. It was two shirts. A sage green polo and a red one. I didn’t care, as long as Brandi and Libby got what they wanted. I am the oldest, I’m supposed to be their protector.

The devil is strategic. His strong point is patiences. He waits and he doesn’t stop until he gets you right where he wants you and it’s a dark sad place that I pray my children NEVER experience that type of hell. As I struggle with the way I was raised, I also struggle with my sins. The Bible tells us to flee from sin, we all far short of the Glory of God, and confess your sins. I do but the devil will get right in my head and tell me it doesn’t matter. God doesn’t want you, look at what you’ve done. You destroy everything good, you cheated on your husband, your life is already set up to fail, you constantly let others down, you’re unwanted. The Bible also tells us to be hot or cold, because if you’re luke warm, he will spew you from his mouth. So I stayed cold.

It was until my recent therapy and realization of the last few years that I’ve finally grasped MY interpretation of Jesus. I read a short story on Job. That story is one of my favorites. I love the story of Mary Magdalene breaking her perfume bottle to wash Jesus’ feet. How even though Jesus knew Judas was going to betray him, God STILL washed his feet. He chose to spend his last night on this Earth with his disciples. If you know anything about the Bible, none of them were perfect. Not a single one. Jesus just didn’t die for some of our sin, he died for ALL of it. Even he knew the temptation as the devil taunted him with food during his fasting. “Oh father, why have thou forsaken me”. You know how many times I’ve asked the same question? Too many.

His mercies start anew each morning, and I look forward to each morning I wake up and have the opportunity to make it count. God wants me here for a reason, and nothing will ever separate his love for me. There is not a thing I can do, that will get me into Heaven other then confess with my mouth, know in my heart that Jesus was sent here to pay the ultimate price. I can’t dress my way and I can’t buy my way there. We do have a guide if we will only listen. When you walk closely with God the Holy Spirit will tell your heart what is right and what is wrong. You’ll know when to turn off the tv or change the radio station. You’ll know when that outfit is too tight or the makeup looks like a jezebel. You’ll feel it in your gut when you shouldn’t hang out with a certain group of people. We also have the gift of free will, the choice is ours to make.

I don’t know about you, but I am tired of looking for love, acceptance, and someone to heal my wounds within people or things. They can’t fix me. I attended a new church Sunday, within the first few minutes of walking in, I knew something was different. When one of the worship leaders began speaking he said “it doesn’t matter what you’ve been through, God wants all of you and all of your sin” and if only you knew how many times I have to tell myself that. When he said that, I couldn’t stop from crying. It doesn’t help the fact that my friend wanted to sit on the front row. I’m a middle row kinda girl. So I stood there with tears running down my cheeks, unable to open my mouth or lift my hands to pray. During the closing of the sermon, which had been on marriage, I prayed. I asked God to please forgive me for my past. I asked him to guide me in my future and to please remove anything in my life that keeps me from him. I meant it this time. I prayed and told him about my weakness, that I couldn’t do this alone. Right now here are a few things I’m sure of, I have found a church where I feel comfortable, that God does have a great big plan for me, I only need to be still. That even though I may fall, still I RISE!