The real raw part of me. After spending the day at the hospital Sunday, I couldn’t bare the thought of coming home to an empty house. I was so sad.

I believe Sundays are a family day and I absolutely HATE spending them without my babies. I didn’t hate it spending it at the hospital; I was surrounded by my family but I looked at my grandmother. She is one of the main reasons I am here today, and I just couldn’t handle it. The anxiety I haven’t learned to cope with built up and unleashed with a fury. This woman has spent every day of my 33 year old life praying for ME!

I know she has, I know my grandma…I’ve heard her prayers. I just keep thinking, who is going to faithfully pray for me like that now. What it’s going to be like not pulling down that drive way. How I’m going to miss that carpet in the living room that’s been there since I can remember.

I can’t imagine my life without her. I don’t want to. I also don’t want to have to go through this pain alone. And I know, I am not alone. I have my family but it’s different. I remember when I lost my dad, I fell into Tyler’s arms and he just held me and let me cry. I don’t have that anymore. And not that I want him, let’s be clear that we sailed that ship down the river.

Sometimes after being so strong for so long, I just want the comfort of falling apart with someone I love and trust. That’s not reality anymore, people don’t want real because they don’t know what it is anymore. It’s based off a fantasy world we call social media. You can get instant gratification else where. You no longer have to be held accountable for your actions and for some reason we think something better is always out there. We’ve had to invent terms like, gas lighting and love bombing. I am laughing just typing. Could you imagine me telling my Grandma about that. She was married to my great grandfather for 71 years! That’s the kind of love I am after. She’s the kind of woman I want to be. Not the one that calls up an ex crying, wanting him to love me like I love him. Only to stay one night and promise to not contact again. Why do I do it to myself? Why am I in love with a man, that can not love me?