There used to be a Preacher that would visit the church I grew up at. He was a favorite and he was also blind. As I’m laying in this dark room, not able to sleep, I begin typing and all I can imagine is him being led up to the pool pit. He’d feel around, find the mic, and with the biggest smile and booming voice he’d say “HELLO WALLS”

Something about Bro Smart coming into town was always exciting. He was witty, serious but gentle and he made sure his message always got across. He also reminded me of my great-grandfather who sat to the right of him, usually on stage, right next to his bass guitar. I can envision them both right now in my head, Pawpaw wearing a white sports coat, with his black framed glasses (pretty sure they were originally issued to him when he signed up for WW2) just a smiling because he knew it was about to get good.

Have you ever had the faith to blindly step up to a podium and pour your heart out? Oh the nerves! I feel similarly about this blog. I’ve been quiet lately because someone recently told me “you know people are making fun of you for having a blog”. Those same people are probably why I hit over 2000 views in 4 days. It seems like no matter what I do, or what I say, or how hard I try, there will always be those who chose to be negative.

I’m normally not the type to be quiet, when I am, it’s like the calm before the storm. My goals in creating this blog are simple. I wanted people to see me for who I truly am. Not based off assumptions, rumors, or the messy few years I had after my divorce. I want to share the mistakes, and the lessons I’ve learned. I want people to know, it’s ok to not have it all together, we are all in this together.

I want to know so badly, that through every single struggle I went through, it was for a reason. Even if helping one person is that reason. A wise woman once told me before my affair “Jessica, it’s never going to be about what lead up to this once you step out of your marriage, it’s always going to be about what you did”. I’ll never forget her words. She was right. Another friend of mine told me, “make sure with certainty that this is what you want, you can’t go back” I didn’t listen but they both were right. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m really glad I’ve gone through everything I have. I definitely wish I could erase some not so finer moments, and like one person but even those, I’ve learned from.

Self recognition and realization, in my opinion are what hinder the ability for ones growth. We all stand in our own ways. Instead of projecting the blame on someone else, try and understand your part in it. I’ve noticed the people that seem to have the most to say about me, are the ones who I feel are silently battling the most demons. It’s not me they don’t like, it’s themselves. I HAVE BEEN THERE. Within the last few weeks, I have learned that tequila isn’t my friend, and that the high road feels so much better then revenge. I promise!

Finding the courage to start over is a battle in itself. I feel like Bro. Smart, being lead to the microphone. I didn’t have that loud booming voice at first, but I can feel it everyday, it’s getting louder. I have been smiling a lot more and it feels so good. I even had someone tell me this weekend “I’ve noticed you’ve been happier lately”. I have. I have a whole lot to smile about these days. Even in times like this.

So tonight, hold your loved ones. Count your rolls of toilet paper and your blessings, and when you wake up, be a decent person. Also, don’t get corona.